die to live

If I have learned nothing else in the last ten months it is that death is the most painful and glorious process God created- and the most necessary. The death of our physical bodies is the only thing in this life that we can be sure of and with God everything is a glimpse into something far greater. We are born only to someday die, and we live on only to die daily to ourselves. “We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that His life may be revealed in our mortal body” 2 Cor. 4:10-12. But what is the point in dying to everything that our flesh desires? If we really desire Jesus above everything else, then the death of ourselves should be one of the first things we seek. “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I live, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” Gal 2:20.


In Andrew Murray’s book, “Humility” he explains that humility is the root of everything good. I can’t serve without humility, I can’t love without humility, and I can’t truly live without humility. And humility is the knowledge of my infinite nothingness and dying to myself so that God can be everything. God can never be great enough, and I can never be small enough. “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself” Gal 6:2-3. For even Jesus, the Son of God had to walk in the deepest humility of all, making Himself nothing, so His Father would be glorified. Jesus said of Himself, “The son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing” Jn 5:19.  All sin begins with thinking we are something apart from God, when we are nothing. The fall of Satan was rooted in pride and the fall of man was rooted in pride.  Pride infiltrates and infects all we do, think, or say.  It is the root of all that separates us from God and therefore should be the first thing we seek to destroy.  This is by seeking Jesus’ humility above all else and choosing at any cost to take it upon ourselves.  “If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion…Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves…Your attitude should be the same as Jesus… who, being in very nature GOD, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself NOTHING, taking the very nature of a servant…he humbled himself and became obedient to death.” Php 2:1-7


The beauty of it though is that it is all unto love. Infinite, jealous, glorious love. If we truly had a glimpse into this love and then into eternity, we would realize the futility of this life, how small and incomparable the time is here compared with the age to come with our Jesus. With every revelation of His love and into eternity, we are more apt to not only accept suffering, pain, and the death of ourselves, but rejoice in its coming. Even to long after more ways to die to ourselves. Our flesh is gripping at every chance for self-preservation, but our spirits are crying out for God to fill every part of our being. We only have this life to give. After this short time we will never again get to choose Him in the midst of chaos, confusion, pain, and the hardest of all, in our pride. God allows us to be apart of something so much greater, if we choose it. As Jesus was preparing for His own death, He spoke with His closest friends and told them, “Unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am my servant also will be” Jn. 12:23-26.  Jesus is speaking of the life He lived of selflessness, humility, and love and of the death He is about to endure. He then goes on to say, “Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say?!  Father save me from this hour??  No!  It was for this very reason I came [to die and give Himself up for us!]…Father, glorify Your name.” We will never regret giving more and then more and more to Jesus, the One who gave up everything for us. We will only regret even the smallest things we still try to hold onto. The glory that awaits us far surpasses our momentary troubles. Where else do you have to go, who else do you have to turn to? Why else are you here? It’s all for Him. Become nothing, so He can become everything. Die to everything, and you will never be so alive. “What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish [trash!], that I may gain Christ and be found in him…I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead [His life!]” Php. 3:8-11.

“Through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.” -2 Cor. 6:8-10

Php 1:23

I feel like a wild dragon, just beating against the walls of my cage, roaring to be set free. To soar into the depths of the sea and to the heights of the heavens. This world is my confine and my hope is your reality. You've placed in me a knowledge of the outside world but you're keeping me here for these people. They’ve died inside this box, they've clipped their own wings and have forgotten what it's like to fly. I can hear you whispering to me from the outside and I'll continue to whisper to them, until you fling wide the doors, break our chains and set us free. We'll be made whole again, we'll soar with you,  forever.

Sigur Ros "Glosoli"

ehyeh asher ehyeh

When it comes down to it, I was made for battle.  The battle of all time.  A burning so deep, if I don't hold it at bay would consume me.  A longing for reality.  All I see are the chains that drag us down, the blindfolds that cut off the circulation to our faces.  I've been sharpening my blades.  My shield is on.  I'm trapped behind the starting gates.  Your lies might have deceived me once, but the truth relentlessly pierces my ears, my mind, my heart.  He’s making me ready.  When He’s ready, nothing will hold me back.  My day of longing is your day of terror.  And it will come.  Like a thief in the night, it will come.  I see you.  Preparing. harder, faster, as the days go by.  Frantically making your plans.  But ours are made.  They've been designed before the foundations of the heavens, before the beginning of time, before you ever sung your first song.  He knew what you were going to do.  Why do you think you’re here?  Why do you think I'm here?  Oh, you thought you would ever reign over His creation, the very image of the Almighty, the Holy One??  It's all about Him.  Lay down your sword, return to Him.  I know you hear me.  Like I said, my blades are sharpened, my shield is on.  It's only a matter of time now, you'll be gone, I'll be free and He will be king.

South African newsletter

After six weeks of travel, many amazing stories and 2,000 pictures later I come home to sort things out. How do I possibly condense my trip onto a couple of pages? First and foremost, God is good - hands down! Returning from my trip I know that now more than ever. When we first arrived in South Africa, expectations were high. I was ready to see human trafficking come tumbling down, tons of people saved, and personally be transformed forever. Looking back all I can do is thank Jesus for everything He did and stand in awe of His goodness. “God is faithful in all He does. The Lord loves righteousness and justice; the Earth is full of His unfailing love.” (Psalm 33:4-5).

Our first destination was Bloemfontein. We had been traveling for days. It was late, freezing cold, and not how I wanted to spend our first night out in ministry. But God always has a better plan and reveals His greatness in our weakness. We went out that night with a local ministry. We started by worshipping in the streets and then we went out to the bars. The girl I was partnered up with, a local who had a passion for the women, was bold and had street smarts to say the least. A big group of us were walking back for the night and saw a girl sitting all alone  in the dark. One by one our group passed her by. From the back I kept watching to see if anyone was going to stop and talk to her, but when no one did. I thought to myself, “Well, I guess if they thought we should have talked to her, they would have stopped.”  Right then my partner ran after her. When she returned she was livid at all of us for not stopping. What she said next I will never forget, “How could you not stop...why would you pass even one girl by?”  This shook me deep in my spirit and it became the foundation for the rest of my trip.

A few nights later, while waiting at the airport for our last member, I noticed a young woman mopping the floor and felt compelled to go and speak with her.  I was nervous to talk to her by myself so I easily convinced myself not to approach her.  Immediately the words, “Why would you pass even one girl by?” resonated inside my head.  I suddenly found myself standing in front of her and we began to make small talk.  The conversation floundered so I awkwardly asked her if she would like prayer.  She initially said no but then asked me to meet her in a few minutes.  As we sat down to talk her story unraveled quickly having been bound up by fear until that moment.  She had AIDS and was pregnant.  She had told no one and had prayed to God asking Him to please send her someone she could talk to.  We talked and prayed together. My heart was gripped with God’s answer to her prayer – me.  I realized that even when I feel incompetent and have nothing to say, God is the one at work, doing everything.  We just have to put one foot in front of the other and open our mouth.  It would have been worth my whole trip to South Africa just for her.

During the next four weeks we witnessed many girls rescued and placed into safe houses, prayed and partnered with numerous local ministries, and experienced God’s protection in several dodgy situations.  Time and again I saw how prayer was by far our greatest strategy against human trafficking.    A few months ago one of our team members had a dream about being taken into a brothel.  While prayer walking in South Africa she came across the exact building that she had seen in her dream!  We began intensely praying around the area and for whatever was going on inside.  A few days later on the front page of the local newspaper, that same building had been raided!  Thirty-five girls, who had been trafficked, were rescued.  The man in charge was arrested and 100,000 blank passports and visas were confiscated!  My faith was instantly strengthened and the power of prayer became a reality.

I found that as you serve other people you always become transformed in the process.  I faced many fears, grew in boldness, solidified my foundations in who God is, and found deeper clarity and vision for my own life. The more I am sent out into other countries to minister to others, the more I come home to America with a bigger heart for the people I am surrounded with daily. There are people everywhere I look that are broken, abandoned, and lonely that are waiting for us to speak life over them, give them a simple smile or a cup of cold water. “I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these of Mine, you did for Me.” (Matthew 25:40)

Thank you so much again for all of your prayers and support! I will be praying for you continually that the Father’s blessing, love, and revelation would overflow on your heart and life!

windmills and prostitutes

The flight into Amsterdam was tough... I arrived at 8am on Tuesday and hadn't slept since Saturday night! It was the smallest plane Ive ever flown on internationally and I was in a middle seat, which on one side of me may I add, was a lady who did not mind in the least of falling asleep on me. I had been feeling anxious since I left so my lack of sleep didn't help. We were greeted off the plane by a lovely dutch family. Imkia, who did Fire in the Night a few years back, warmed me with her smile and instant love for me. The two hour car ride to her village was full of sheep, cows, windmills and seas stretching as far as the eye could see. Every once in awhile we would pass by a canal transferring old wooden sailing boats or fisherman on their way to some new catches for Friday's weekly fish market.

As we made our way into Leeuwarden, the beautiful country side met the brick streets and quaint shops right along side its brothels. The ashes flow onto the beauty of this country and deception infiltrates it all. Tolerance is just a mask keeping us from knowing that there is only one truth. It keeps us complacent and numb to true holiness and righteousness. Jesus, let us know You, experience You, the epitome of Truth. Only when we are purified to see You will we be able to live the way we are created to live.

It's now 10:45pm and the sun is just now setting as the last of the bicycles make their way home. Tomorrow we are going into Amsterdam for the day. The bit of anxiety Ive felt since I left has subsided through talking to good friends and being in the prayer room via the wonderful webstream :)